Psalm 25:1-2
English Standard Version (ESV)
25 To you,
O Lord, I lift up my soul.
2 O my God, in you I trust;
let me not be put to shame;
let not my enemies exult over me.
2 O my God, in you I trust;
let me not be put to shame;
let not my enemies exult over me.
Psalm 26:1English Standard Version (ESV)
26 Vindicate
me, O Lord,
for I have walked in my integrity,
and I have trusted in the Lord without wavering.
for I have walked in my integrity,
and I have trusted in the Lord without wavering.
Eighteen years ago I went to school to be a building level
administrator. I left my husband and two
little girls for a summer to pursue this career. Today I sit here, angry at myself for ever
doing this. The girls turned out more
than fine and my husband may have enjoyed the break but I have not been
successful in my pursuit as an administrator.
I had a short stint of it in a charter school for 3 years that closed
due to budget cuts in the State school financing. Since that time I have struggled even finding
a job in education. I did make it back
into education, teaching, yet still feeling unfulfilled in my dreams. It has been a desire placed in my heart that
at times looked like it was God’s will.
Yet the doors continue to slam in my face as my desire grows more and
more to be an administrator once again.
Recently I was turned down again and it continues to become more and more
frustrating. When I hear people say “If
we work hard enough our dreams will come true”, it just makes me angry because
I have worked extremely hard and the doors just keep closing. I feel that the only ones saying that are the
ones lucky enough to have dreams that have been fulfilled. I am sure there are plenty of people who work
hard enough but never get what they really dream and strive to reach.
I cry out to the Lord and He doesn’t seem to hear me. Something I believe David has said. Although I know He hears me but is just
telling me “NO”. I ask myself and Him,
“Am I not trusting enough?”, “Why have I fallen from your graces.” When
the charter school closed my husband was actually told that I must not be
having a strong walk with the Lord and that
is why things weren’t going right for me.
That was the furthest thing from the truth. It reminded me of Job and how his friends
would tell him it was his sin that caused his pain. I leaned on the Lord through those charter
school years tremendously and He blessed me for it. But then, the blessing stopped and I have
struggled and continue this day to struggle.
I have recently been rejected once again for a position that I felt very
well qualified for and very excited about.
I really thought I was seeing God’s hand at work only to be told “NO” once
more.
I share this all with you because I began to struggle with
what I am really doing here on this earth.
I have always tried to be the “good girl” and I lost friends because
they didn’t want to be “good”. I began
to wonder if being “good” was all that I thought it was. I wondered what it would be like if I would
just be “bad” for a little while. Not
pray, turn to the dark side and be done with it all. That thought lasted maybe a day but it was
never taken into action. Then I realized
I don’t want that, I want to walk with Christ, I would never turn away from
Him. I also realized that it is not the
act of goodness that brings us to Him. I
realized my problem is not the lack of faith but the lack of trust. I put my faith in Him years ago but I still must
struggle with trusting Him with my life.
I thought I trusted Him but when struggles come, I am not at peace but
rather turmoil. I want what I want and I
want it yesterday. I am running out of
time to fulfill my hopes and dreams in the area of my vocation. I feel like a failure in the area of my
vocation even though I know there are students out there that have become
successful because I believed in them when no one else did. Yet I do not feel successful.
I pray as David did that I put my trust in Him and that I
won’t have to be ashamed of my work and that I don’t have to be put to shame by
those who are my enemies. At this point
I feel that I have failed Him because I am not exulted by my enemies, and then
I remember Christ was put to death by His enemies and He let them do it. My trust has not been as strong as it should be,
but I have walked with integrity. I have
no answers today except that I know I must trust Him more and not worry about
the successes of this world. I may go to
my grave with this same need but I will continue day by day to seek Him more so
that I may trust Him more.
Seeking Him with all my heart,
Sheila