My Journey

Do you ever play the “what if” game? I do even though I realize that no one is a winner and it is a pointless game. Sometimes though we go through life and ask that haunting question, “what if?”. Have you ever had dreams and felt that God was leading you in a direction and then came to a roadblock? If so, did you begin playing the “what if” game again? That is kind of where I am in life and the only thing that pulls me out of that are these times when I read scripture, pray and begin to write my blog. Today I want to share a little with you about the journey I am currently on and then we are going to look at Joseph and see if he has ever had anything similar or possibly worse!

Several years ago I was a happy employee of an organization where I worked with students with severe disabilities serving 17 school districts in southwest Kansas. I loved my job, as I consulted with teachers, helped teams become effective, and was able to work with students who were dear to my heart. It was an ideal job for me and I thrived it. My job title changed from consultant for severe multiple disabilities to a support facilitator which required many of the same things as a consultant but I also was able to present and train both paraprofessionals and professionals in effective practices. I was also on an advisory board for the State of Kansas where we designed an assessment for students with severe disabilities to make sure they were actually learning and school was not just a babysitting service for them. I loved this position and was good at it. When we were told that we had done a good enough job and that everyone was trained and knew what they were doing, and that we would now go into the classrooms and teach, I was terrified. My Master degree was in severe multiple disabilities and my bachelor degree was in psychology. I did not take classes to teach a student with a learning disability. My students read pictures, no words. They communicated using pictures, signs, eye movement, not generally verbal communication. I was not trained for this and it would take years for me to get the training. At that time I began to look at other options, I could go back to school to be a school counselor or I could go to school to be a building administrator. As I researched, I found that it would take me longer to be a school counselor but I could complete requirements to be a building administrator in one year. Building administrators also got paid more than a counselor, a counselor would still be at teacher’s salary which isn’t bad as some may have you believe but for advancement and time constraints the building administrator looked more feasible. As well, if I were to ever get out of education maybe other administrative jobs would be available whereas a school counselor would pretty much always be in education. I visited with people I had worked with and had encounters with, principals, a superintendent, an assistant superintendent, a school counselor, my supervisory and teachers who overwhelmingly supported my efforts to become a building administrator. The school counselor thought I should go that route of a counselor and the assistant superintendent thought I should go the route of curriculum development but all others encouraged me to go into building administrtion. My family was also on board with this plan so I went to enroll for summer classes at Fort Hays. When I got there it wasn’t as easy as I had thought, I had to be accepted to either program before enrolling. Miraculously I was accepted in a very timely fashion, that very day to be a part of the building administration program. This rarely happened but I got in. I took classes that summer, in 1998. I lived in the dorm and came home on weekends. It was really hard being away from my family but when classes started I was always excited and happy to be there. There were two sessions of classes and when it came time for me to go into the second session a problem arose. I wanted to be in a class that had a limited number of students and the class was full. I was told that I could go to the class and if anyone dropped out of it on the first day I could be a part of the class. So, I went to class and the professor counted, the class was full so he told me that I would have to leave. As I was walking down the hall, disappointed but ready to go home, he called me back and told me that he miscounted and that I was in the class. I was very excited to have this opportunity. I was working to complete this work within a year because that is when my position as a support facilitator would be over and there would be an opening in our school district the next year. It seemed as though God was working it out where I would become a building principal of a school that I once attended and I was very excited.

I told you my family was supportive of this move. That included my mother who was suffering with Parkinson’s Disease. I spent a lot of time with her and our youngest daughter went to their home everyday after school so I saw her everyday. I worked with her on communication and used the skills I had in working with severe disabilities as much as I could. She was a big supporter of me and when I asked her if I should go back to school she eagerly nodded her approval. This was the last summer I had with her as she passed away August 8,

I was half-way done by now when I was told by my administrator that there would always be a position for me as a consultant for students with severe disabilities and that I would not be going into the classroom but my mother was a supporter and would want me to continue and there was a job coming open that I would apply for. I completed that program in the Spring of 1999 with a 4.0. I had been very successful and was eager to apply for a position within our school district and felt very good about it. My husband and I practiced questions that might be asked and discussed my best responses. I will never forget taking a walk with him and going by the school as he drilled me with questions the night before the interview. The day of the interview came and all of those who had applied were interviewed on the same day at the same time. We rotated through several teams of interviewers. I was pleased with my interviews. The questions my husband and I had discussed were asked and I answered them with confidence. I had great letters of recommendations and the timing was just perfect. . . But, they hired someone else.

At this point I began to question if I really could hear God or if he really ever did speak to me. Was it all my own selfish desires that overshadowed what God wanted for me in this life? What if I would have just spent the summer with my mother, I was never going to enjoy her on this earth again? What if I had not left my girls and my husband for the summer? What if and if only were common words and thoughts in my vocabulary. I continued to apply for employment in other districts in southwest Kansas and continually was turned down. Meanwhile the administration changed in the place of my employment as did the attitude that I would always be needed as a consultant for students with severe disabilities and I was placed in a high school classroom. There is much more to that story but will only share if you ask.

A few years aog I was given the opportunity to work as a building administrator of a charter school. A place where those who did not feel comfortable in the traditional high school could come and be encouraged and challenged to complete their high school diploma. I was excited for the challenge but knew that some would not be as appreciative of such a school as others but found the community to be very supportive. To make a long story short, the school closed due to State budget cuts and I am without a job. Ironically the job that I wanted in the beginning of this journey opened up again and I thought with all my great evaluations and my work ethic and the proven success of my students that I would just go into that position, but no, they hired outside of our district and didn‘t consider me. . I looked outside of the district as well but they hired within their district. Once again I find myself asking the question, what if? I know God is at work but why does it have to happen this way? Why do I have to hurt so? Then I think of the story of Joseph and that is where we will start tomorrow. Read Genesis 37 and I will write more tomorrow.  As you read, seek Him with all your hearts and erst assured that He is in control.

Seeking Him with all my heart,
Sheila