Why Doubt?

As I write this blog today I am reminded that it was 46 years ago today that my sister and I were hit by a car and she was taken from this life.  This week has been a very difficult one for me as satan has tried to come in and rob me of my joy.  I have thought about the accident this week but it was not that which caused me pain.  This summer is really hard for me.  It has been 27 years since I worked a summer job.  At that time was expecting our first child.  My husband was farming and I was working.  I worked on August 2 and on August 3 our beautiful daughter was born!  I didn’t mind working the summers, no problem, my husband was busy in the fields anyway.  This week we were blessed to have our granddaughter with us which made me realize that normally (for me) I would have been able to spend so much more time with her if I had my job in education and my sister is spending time with my dad, helping him get moved back to Ulysses and I am stuck at work.  It is very frustrating to me and just brings out my disappointment in not having an educational position back.  Then, I had to think of all those job applications that I put out there with no response, not even an interview.  Yet, I told the Lord that I didn’t want an interview if I wasn’t going to get the job.  So why can’t I just be satisfied that He has other plans for me and right now it is not in education?  Please don’t get me wrong, I did not work in education to get the summers off, in fact, I always said that when I retired I was going to take a fall vacation because I never got to do that as a teacher!  Well I didn’t get to retire in education and the life that I now have is so different from what I have been used to.  Having to get my granddaughter ready in the morning and leave her was very difficult for me.  What was wonderful is that I just had to hold her and know that God is good!  Outside influences also caused me to have turmoil within as well.  Words from others can sting and hurt even when they might not be aware that they are doing it.  Satan definitely got me wondering and asking the question, “why?” and he enjoyed me playing the “Only If” game.  But once again, all I needed to do was pick my beautiful granddaughter up, hold her, and know that God is good.  Thank you to our kids for letting us watch her this week!  And even more, thank you to our Lord for allowing us to be her grandparents!

As those doubts about my self-worth came into play this week it was very difficult for me to put a smile on my face.  On Tuesday our pastor called to see if I could teach the high school Sunday school class this Sunday.  I was delighted and pleased to be asked and right away went and got the Sunday school material.  With having our granddaughter here I didn’t take the time to really pick up the book and look at the lesson until Friday evening.  That was one big mistake!  As I looked at the lesson, I realized that it was not the pastor that was asking me to teach but it was my Heavenly Father.  He had a lesson for me, provided a clear answer to my questions, and it was setting on our dining room table all week long.  The lesson was entitled, “Why Do I Doubt?”  I have been asking that question all week long!!!!!!  Even though I know that God is in control, even though I know He cares for me, even though I know He has great plans for me, I doubt.  I have told people more than once that I know that God is in control because nothing makes sense and then I doubt.  That is very frustrating to me.  I want to be one of those people that even though the outside world is falling apart the inside world is peaceful, content, even joyous yet when someone doesn’t like the choices I make, my self-worth begins to crumple.

The scripture reading that I was drawn to was Isaiah 40:21 – 31, it is written below for you to read as well, be blessed as you read His word.

Isaiah 40:21-31

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

²¹ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
²² He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
²³ He brings princes to naught
and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
²⁴ No sooner are they planted,
no sooner are they sown,
no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.

²⁵ “To whom will you compare me?
Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
²⁶ Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

²⁷ Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord;
my cause is disregarded by my God”?
²⁸ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

(http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2040:21%20-%2031&version=NIV1984)

Seek Him in your joy and seek Him in your distress and you will be blessed!

Seeking Him with all my heart,           

Sheila