Thursday, May 1, 2014

When Hard Times Come

Psalm 109
English Standard Version (ESV)
Help Me, O Lord My God
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
109 (A)Be not silent, O (B)God of my praise!
For wicked and (C)deceitful mouths are opened against me,
    speaking against me with lying tongues.
They encircle me with words of hate,
    and attack me (D)without cause.
In return for my love they (E)accuse me,
    but I (F)give myself to prayer.[a]
So they (G)reward me evil for good,
    and hatred for my love.
(H)Appoint a wicked man (I)against him;
    let an accuser stand (J)at his right hand.
When he is tried, let him come forth guilty;
    let his (K)prayer be counted as sin!
May his (L)days be few;
    may (M)another take his (N)office!
May his (O)children be fatherless
    and his wife a widow!
10 May his children (P)wander about and beg,
    (Q)seeking food far from the ruins they inhabit!
11 May (R)the creditor seize all that he has;
    may (S)strangers plunder the fruits of his toil!
12 Let there be none to (T)extend kindness to him,
    nor any to (U)pity his fatherless children!
13 May his (V)posterity be cut off;
    may his (W)name be blotted out in the second generation!
14 May (X)the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the Lord,
    and let not the sin of his mother be (Y)blotted out!
15 (Z)Let them be before the Lord continually,
    that he may (AA)cut off the memory of them from the earth!
16 For he did not remember to show kindness,
    but pursued (AB)the poor and needy
    and (AC)the brokenhearted, to put them to death.
17 (AD)He loved to curse; let curses come[b] upon him!
    He did not delight in blessing; may it be far[c] from him!
18 He (AE)clothed himself with cursing as his coat;
    may it (AF)soak[d] into his body like water,
    like oil into his bones!
19 May it be like a garment that he wraps around him,
    like a belt that he puts on every day!
20 May this be the reward of my (AG)accusers from the Lord,
    of those who speak evil against my life!
21 But you, O God my Lord,
    deal on my behalf (AH)for your name's sake;
    because your (AI)steadfast love is good, deliver me!
22 For I am (AJ)poor and needy,
    and my heart is stricken within me.
23 I am gone like (AK)a shadow at evening;
    I am (AL)shaken off like a locust.
24 My knees are weak (AM)through fasting;
    my (AN)body has become gaunt, with no fat.
25 I am (AO)an object of scorn to my accusers;
    when they see me, they (AP)wag their heads.
26 (AQ)Help me, O Lord my God!
    Save me according to your steadfast love!
27 Let them (AR)know that this is your hand;
    you, O Lord, have done it!
28 (AS)Let them curse, but you will bless!
    They arise and are put to shame, but (AT)your servant will be glad!
29 May my accusers be (AU)clothed with dishonor;
    may they (AV)be wrapped in their own shame as in a cloak!
30 With my mouth I will give great thanks to the Lord;
    I will (AW)praise him in the midst of the throng.
31 For he stands (AX)at the right hand of the needy one,
    
to save him from those who condemn his soul to death.

For those of you that know me, you know that the past three years my heart has been in turmoil.  I was forced to leave my career because of budget cuts and have not had the opportunity to return.  Never in my career did I have a bad evaluation yet I cannot find another job doing what I loved so much.  I have a heart for kids and especially those who need a little extra attention in order to be successful.  I struggle immensely with this wondering what I did wrong and how I could have made it a better outcome.  Each year, when hiring begins I get my hopes up only to be dashed down again into the depths of despair.  When trying to express my deep deep desire I have been accused of complaining.  I try not to write it in my blog but today I could not help but do so. 

I have a good job where I am appreciated. Yet there is a tug in my heart that tells me that I am not in the right place.  I struggle with that tug of war that goes on inside of me because I want to be where God wants me to be.  If it is where I currently am I want to know it deep deep down in my very soul yet I still have a desire to be where I am not.  Is the grass always greener on the other side?  I have to wonder if the only reason I want back where I was is to prove a point, to make a statement.  Would I be satisfied in that position as much as I used to be?
Today was a day that I cried out once again to the Lord wanting answers.  I have to say that when I read the Psalm I had the think, “That kind of sounds like me.”  I hope I am not as harsh but yet there is a part of me that just wants to be ratified.  I want exposure to the truth and I want more than anything to see justice for those who are less fortunate, I want them to be given a chance.  Verse 22 and 23 describes me, “I am poor and needy and my heart is stricken within me.  I am gone like a shadow at evening; I am shaken off like a locust.”  The next verses don’t describe me quite so much!  It goes further in verse 26 and says “Help me, O Lord my God!  Save me according to your steadfast love!  Let them know that this is your hand; you, O Lord, have done it!”  (My prayer is that I will also know that it is your hand O Lord, my God!)  Resting in His unfailing love is where I need to be.  Thankful for what I do have is what I need to focus on.  Verse 30 “With my mouth I will give great thanks to the Lord; I will praise him in the midst of the throng.” 

My dreams have not come true.  The desires of my heart linger within me.  But what I know, is that when I cry out to Him and seek Him, He answers me all the time.  He tells me through His word that He is there, He is seeing everything and that He cares for me.  Seek Him and know that He cares for you as well.  It is my prayer that those who have read this do not read and think that I am just a complainer, that I need to “get over it” but will read it as me being someone who has a desire and that desire is to be satisfied in the will of my Father God.  Life is hard to understand sometimes but our trust must continually be in Him.  I was just amazed today as I read the scripture that it descried how I have felt for three long years.  And God was telling me that He has this, He is in control.


Seeking Him with all my heart,

Sheila

                                      

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